Tag: fear

Letting go and embracing

I have struggled with sleep-or NOT sleep for a long time now. Years. Over a decade really. Part of my journey that seems to have endless paths, entrances and exits, is to address this sleep thing. This. Sleep. Thing. Not MY sleep thing  I do not want this to be a part of my life any longer. It is not MY sleep thing, MY alcohol thing, MY anxiety thing. It is just a thing. A thing I am going to be turning a focus on with daring truth.

girl sleeping on bed
Photo by Sam K on Pexels.com

When I was pregnant with my son, I went through the WORST insomnia. I ended up half crazed and pouring my heart and mind out to a priest who had also been the doctor who delivered my first child. We drove over 100 miles to see him. I sat across from him twisting a Kleenex, bloodshot eyes that were darting about like a wild animal by that point in the insomnia I am sure.

He said to me two things. 1) Take the Ambien you new doctor prescribed. 2) Just say thank you  for what is in your life. Simply thank you.

I was so confused! Thank you for what? For modern medicine? I most certainly was and am! Thank you for the child who has grown into an incredible young man? That is an easy one! I did not get it. I pushed him for more.

Be thankful for even the hard part…the insomnia, the unknown, the scariness of it all and the love of people all around you. In my mad state of mind, I got it. I was in it. I was grateful. Maybe it was because those were words breathed from a holy man’s lips, but they felt solid and real when my world was melting around me. I had a moment where I felt grateful for the vulnerable exposure my sleepless nights had led me to. I could finally let lose my grip on perfection and just slip into release.

Beloved wrapped his coat around me, drove me to a pharmacy, fill my script and took me home. I laid in his arms as I finally fell into a deep, drugged sleep.

That was over a decade ago. Now, I do catch glimpses of being grateful for even those experiences that hurt or require me to expose my trembling self.  Perhaps alcohol, insomnia and anxiety are all lesson it themselves. Perhaps they are MY lessons. Perhaps these really are MY things. And for them, I am grateful.

 

 

 

 

Turns out some things don’t change…

I know I could not have possibly thought that quitting drinking would magically make all my problems disappear, but I guess I would thinking I would feel less overwhelmed by life.  I have so much on plate and such a tiny fork to dig in with…

Wait, just typing those words helped release something. Yes, I have a TON to do today. Yes, it all MUST be done today. Yes, my husband is going out of town for a few days, which certainly increases the amount on my plate. BUT, I am going to be doing ALL of it with a clear head. A clear head. No swirls, no distractions.

Holy crud-I just had a thought. Maybe one of the reasons that I had been drinking WAY too much is that I secretly believe that if I do not succeed at something (like this pile of life in front of me), that I always have an excuse that I really was not trying my hardest. That I could have done more/been more if I had tried harder, but since I was drunk-well-I obviously was not trying my hardest. And therefore, if I failed it was not a real reflection of the real me.

Strange how this blogging stuff really opens my eyes at times. It is also a really good thing that I thought about this as I just signed a CONTRACT with the person I thought I had blown it with in the email weeks ago. I know for a fact I will have to be present and putting out my best to fulfill this contract. I AM SO SCARED!  What if I fail?

What if I fail? What if I fail? What if I fail?

Eeck…will have to think on that one some more.