I did not know…

That I could dance sober and still kill it! Who knew? I was totally NOT interested in going out and listening to this great band because I would have to be doing it without social lubricant. Nada. Nothing. Okay-fries and a Coke. I told Beloved on the way there that I was NOT going to dance. Period. End of story. I can only handle so much. The cravings were going to be beast enough to keep in check.

woman in white sleeveless shirt gold brown leaf in front of her face — Photo by Mariana on Pexels.com

I sat like a flower at our table for the first 30 minutes feeling the flush in my cheeks of everyone staring at me as they had a good time. How that is possible, I am not sure-but in the newly sober mind, it is reality. I was just watching and absorbing what it is like to have 100 people on a tiny dance floor all at various stages of inebriation. Giggling 21s with a beer in hand boogeying like they own the place to the guy with bloodshot eyes and a tipped hat nodding along at the edge of the linoleum, barely keeping beat but at least on the dance floor. Unlike me. But watching him gaze into nothing when such a swirl of life was about him cured my cravings.

Then a slow song came on. Beloved looked at me with puppy dog eyes..he is one of those rare breeds that loves to dance. I couldn’t say no. Off we went, swaying like a couple of sweaty palmed 8th graders in a gym decorated with construction paper and helium balloons. There was a tiny moment of bliss.

Next song was a fast one-a new classic. Uptown Funk You Up! Damn-and it did! My groove thing came back and I blossomed from wall flower to owning my own little spot on the dance floor. I am thinking all my drunken nights of gyrating on dance floors in college bars, honkey tonks and legit dance clubs has created muscle memory! I just let myself go and danced. Let me be me! We danced the band to closing!

Cold fries and a warm Coke never tasted better.

Twiddling. Thumbs.

Here I am at an out-of-town conference. It is 6:00 pm after a grueling day of PowerPoint blatherings. I am in a posh hotel surrounded by tons and tons of awesome bars, pubs, eateries and entertainments. A month ago, I would have made some quick friends and joined in the revelry that abounds just outside my hotel door. Laughter, cackles and “Wait for me!” float down the hall. Wait. For. Me.

person woman hotel laptop — Photo by Stokpic on Pexels.com

I am waiting. Waiting for myself to find myself. I am waiting. I am waiting for me to become more me. I am waiting. Waiting for something that I am not really sure even exists to show herself to me. I am waiting. For. Me.

I am going to flip on some crap TV (Oh-blessed me! We do not have a TV in our home-so this is a treat!) eat the fourth cookie I smuggled out of the conference (I am giving myself until Halloween and then-that is the next area of focus. Food!) and then I am going to fall asleep. No drunken silliness with new found friends taking in all the city has to offer. No wild tales to tell in my old age (I think I may have accrued enough of those actually-see, when you drink too much it turns out you have to have WAY MORE tales because you can only remember 1% of them. Good thing I drank so much? Wait, I could have just….duh!)

BEST PART? No crawling into bed and crawling back out at 6:00 am and no eyes scrunched shut and grimaced face in the morning when I try to piece together exactly what the night had all entailed and get that wave of “Oh God” when the images flicker back into reality.

Nope. Just me, a big TV and a big cookie. Oh-and an amazing shower WITHOUT any children knocking on the door!

Good night.

PS That is NOT me in the picture. There are not nearly enough cookie crumbs for that to be me…

Turns out some things don’t change…

I know I could not have possibly thought that quitting drinking would magically make all my problems disappear, but I guess I would thinking I would feel less overwhelmed by life. I have so much on plate and such a tiny fork to dig in with…

Wait, just typing those words helped release something. Yes, I have a TON to do today. Yes, it all MUST be done today. Yes, my husband is going out of town for a few days, which certainly increases the amount on my plate. BUT, I am going to be doing ALL of it with a clear head. A clear head. No swirls, no distractions.

Holy crud-I just had a thought. Maybe one of the reasons that I had been drinking WAY too much is that I secretly believe that if I do not succeed at something (like this pile of life in front of me), that I always have an excuse that I really was not trying my hardest. That I could have done more/been more if I had tried harder, but since I was drunk-well-I obviously was not trying my hardest. And therefore, if I failed it was not a real reflection of the real me.

Strange how this blogging stuff really opens my eyes at times. It is also a really good thing that I thought about this as I just signed a CONTRACT with the person I thought I had blown it with in the email weeks ago. I know for a fact I will have to be present and putting out my best to fulfill this contract. I AM SO SCARED! What if I fail?

What if I fail? What if I fail? What if I fail?

Eeck…will have to think on that one some more.