Third Friday night sober. One. Two. Three.
I decided it was time to go out in PUBLIC on a DATE with my husband and NOT DRINK. We went to our usual. I ate the usual. The swirl of people about us was the usual. The conversation was not usual.
I realized that I have been using date night as drink night-not to get closer to my husband and share out lives a little more intimately for a moment, but as an excuse to toss a few (many) back and let the world melt away. I would not be any closer to him or myself by the end of date night. I would just be numbed out-a blissful numbed out, but numbed nonetheless.
Instead, we started talking. I talked about Three and how I have finally come to realize that I just need to lay down all the guilt and worry I have surrounding the big questions that has been forcing themselves on me me relentlessly for months and months and months now about “WHY I DON’T FEEL ALL SQUISHY AND LOVEY TOWARD HER? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME AS A PERSON? AS A MOTHER? AM I DAMAGING HER? CAN SHE TELL SHE DRIVES ME CRAZY?” I have to set these questions down, just like I am setting down the vodka. I need to step back from them. Get perspective. These questions are not healthy and neither are getting me any closer to being the person I want to be.
Do not get me wrong-there is nothing “wrong” with Three. I mean, she is ADHD as all get out, never stops talking, is constantly poking her nose into all conversations and generally requires attention more often then a colicky baby. She is just a kid really (11).
That said, I am actually pretty certain the majority of the hangup in the bond I am not forming with her is coming from my end. For some reason, I am just not jelling with her-like, at all. But, as of my conversation with Beloved tonight, I am just going to put it aside. Just let it me (Mother Mary come to me…) I’ll let it be. I simply have to for awhile. It will be the healthiest thing for all of us in the Crew.
Wow….it actually feels really good just to lay it down.
Now, what to do with the rest of date night? It is only 8:00. Um….
Daring Truth 