It is a thing.
I woke up today, not hungover and not having to have guilty sex. I sipped my coffee and wrote this blog instead.
When you have five kids, sex gets curtailed-there is nothing you can do about it. I know what you are thinking-that’s how you got five in the first place! Well, no. Emergency adoption of two of my great nieces changed our family a lot…. Every aspect really. Including my sex life.
Sex for the last many years has been drunken and quick on a Friday night or this really weird sex in the early hours when I am feeling all guilty and unlovable and feel like I am offering my body as in penance for the drinks I had the night before. “If he wants to have sex with me, it must mean he loves me. He must have found my puking in the toilet at 5:00 am endearing.” (Damn you leftover boxed wine!)
Um, that is some pretty messed up thinking in hindsight. Beloved is a modern guy with modern thinking, but I am pretty sure he would have sex with me even if he thought I had a raging drinking problem and even if I spent my wee hours praying to the porcelain god. He just really likes sex. He is a pretty simple guy. It is me that adds all the backstory.
But last night? Sober FRIDAY NIGHT sex? What? I was nervous and then I reminded myself I was done lying. Sex was going to be honest and real. I just let myself be and feel. I was going to stay out of my head and get into my body. I began to panic. “I don’t want to do this!”
I got out of my brain. Got into my body. What does my bed feel like, what does Beloved’s jeans feel like against my leg? What do the candles smell like?
And then it happened. My vision shifted. My panic relaxed. All the head stuff stopped. I was in the moment….
OMG! It was the sex from years ago when we first met-huge, hot sex that ignored our bumpily futon in an apartment that was almost to small to hold our first twig of a Christmas tree in a coffee can.
I cried.
Daring Truth 