Embarrassed…

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Here is what I do not get (well, one of many, many, many things) Years ago I was a smoker. I LOVED smoking (actually-I hated it, but was really good at believing I loved it.) I tried quitting MANY times and failed miserably. I talked to everyone I could about wanting to quit. I just couldn’t do it. Finally, I asked my Beloved what one thing was I could do that would be the most amazing gift ever  He simply said, “Give me the gift of more time with you in my life. Quit smoking.” I did. It was easy. Really oddly easy. Who knew you really can quit smoking (at least) for someone else?

Quitting Ambien after a long stint of use was harder, but I talked to everyone I knew about it and had no embarrassment. I even chatted up my mom about it. I finally got all the info I needed and slowly tapered and quit.  Well-for a long time (years). I am taking it again-but that is honestly not the point…

My point is-WHY DO I FEEL SO FREAKING EMBARRASSED TALKING TO MY BELOVED ABOUT ABUSING ALCOHOL? Last night he took me in his arms outside our barn during feeding time and said he wanted to know how I was doing. I panicked inside. I am doing “okay” but talking about it really, really, REALLY is hard. I bawled in total embarrassment. It is hard for these words to come out of my mouth.

“I cannot control my drinking. Do you have any  idea how much I had been drinking?”

“I need your help.”

Horribly, horribly embarrassing.

Why is this so different from breaking other addictions?

Alcohol is just another addiction…right? Ugh-I am beginning to think it is not.