Sitting on a school bus today with my students, I am sweating and feeling like general crap. Perfect-trapped with a bunch of middle school students on a bus twisting through country roads to the “city” and career day. So many twisting roads. I want to puke I wonder if this is part of getting all the toxins out of my system. It has been SIX days. Toxins? I wasn’t really drinking that much right? I wasn’t that bad…
I hear the lies start to creep in. They are good. Super good. “You were just stuck in a rut. You are out now-don’t worry.” “It wasn’t so bad-that thing on Beloveds birthday was a fluke.” “You are fine. All teachers drink A LOT because teaching is freaking stressful as hell.” But, I am sweaty. I have promised myself to be truthful. My students are settling in. I open my phone and look at my notes to self. I sneak quick peeks between trying to manage the chaos of preteens high on the possibility of the day and my internal feelings of shakiness.
The words are stark, raw and real. I wrote them SIX days ago. They are the truth.
“List of Why I Need to Quit”
Hiding vodka is a bad sign-I have bottles still hidden. Drank empty, but still hidden. Lots.
Drinking alone feels really good.
Planning drinking times is starting to take over my day. My internal “calendar” of when it is okay and not is just getting out of control. Friday and Saturdays are givens. Sunday just slids in there because I am on a roll. Monday off because there is just too many place to run my kids, but Tuesday and Wednesday are fair game if i can get home from the runarounds early enough. Thursday is off because by then I am tired and guilty, but also know full well that Friday is one day away.
Drinking and slipping into bed before Beloved comes to bed in hopes he doesn’t not know is just getting old and every night I end my day lying to the one person I know who loves me beyond measure. Lying next to a lie. That is what I am making him do. I hate it.
Finding reasons to drink is getting ridiculous. The dog’s birthday should not be a reason to get hammered!
Drinking and then having “family” time-that’s a laugh…but, and this part is making me tear up…it is the only way I can feel relaxed around THREE and since she is always around, it is the only way I can feel relaxed around my other children.
I am beginning to not be able to get past a day without a drink. What if it soon becomes a half day?
I fucked up. I fucked up a business email that actually was really important to me because the person I was writing is really important to me and my success. I wasn’t rude, did not misspell anything, but what I wrote was cringe worthy the next day in retrospect. I wish I had not sent it. Honestly-this may have been the biggest tipping point of them all for me. How fucked up is that?
There are lots more reasons. I had only written a few down. I wish I had written more to keep me going. I will have to think about my reasons before they fade.
For now, dinner is ready.
Daring Truth 